Insomnia
by TR-Fanfic
Summary: Things change between Harm and Mac when Mac shows up at Harm's apartment during Season 10's Retrial.  With no interruptions, and a lot of angst, they talk it out.


This story begins during "Retrial" when Mac comes to talk to Harm. We saw the flashbacks of this during the 4 Solution. I'm making believe that Alicia Montes wasn't even on the same continent when Mac got there, and they had time to talk. Thus the majority of the 4 Solution would never have happened. God bless fanfic for letting me do this.

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, but if I did I would have shown David's farewell to the fans and the cast and crew at the end of the season ten finale.

Honest Feedback is always appreciated.

Insomnia

or

Take one Harm and be calling his name by morning

or

How to get over insomnia with Zero regrets or less.

By TR

"You need to talk?"

"That would be a good thing."

Harm smiled and opened the door further. "Come on in."

"Thanks." She stepped over the threshold and paused, gathering her courage. She took a deep breath and clasped her hands together. "I uh…I can't sleep."

"Nightmares?"

She shook her head, "No, I can't even get that far. I just can't seem to close my eyes."

"Too much to say. and no one to tell it to."

"Probably." She ran a hand through her hair. "Too much to say, and no idea how to begin to say it."

"Take your time." He walked into the kitchen, giving her time to work through it. "Would you like some coffee?"

"Sure. Thanks."

While he prepared the coffee, she wandered over to the window and stared down to the street below, watching the people go on about their lives, oblivious to the turmoil that once again surrounded her. How many times had she stood below that window? How long had it been since she'd walked on that very street, into Harm's apartment, and into his life? Too many years to still be in this Purgatory. Fragments of a million memories niggled at the corners of her mind. Blending and blurring, until one particular image, stood out above the others. Standing in the pouring rain beneath that window, weeping bitterly, while Harm put his arms around another woman. Her eyes drifted shut at the recollection, and for a split second she could feel the rain as it fell against her cheek. She had needed him that night. Wanted him to erase her pain. Wanted him to set her back on her feet again. She shook her head. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Three years and she was right back where she started. How had she let this happen all over again? 'When will I ever learn?' she thought, but before the reprimand could take shape, something deep inside reminded her that this time she was the one standing in the light of that window; no longer on the outside looking in. 'I'm tired of looking in on your life Mac, I want to be part of it.' His words echoed in her head, and even through the fog of exhaustion and uncertainty; she finally understood what he'd meant.

"What are you thinking about?"

His soft voice snapped her back into the present. "Renee'," she answered. Before he could give voice his surprise, she went on. "The night that Mic left me, I saw Renee' and you standing at this window. She started to cry and you put your arms around her." Her voice was surprisingly steady. "I stood down there on the street, and…I've never felt so empty in my life. So…adrift."

She met his eyes, and waved off his apology before he could give it. "Here we are again, and I feel the same way, only so much worse."

"And better," he said.

"Better?"

"Better, because this time, there's no one here but you and me. And I'm not going anywhere."

She gave him a brief, grateful smile, before the pain once again clouded her eyes.

"I'm angry," she said.

"That's understandable."

"And hurt."

He nodded.

"I just can't wrap my mind around it."

"Around what?"

"All of it! I thought Webb and I were close to having something real. Almost a year and we were barely on the brink. I tried so hard Harm. Put up with more than I should have. Ignored the parts of me that were screaming to turn back and beg you to give me one more chance. I came so close to convincing myself that Webb and I had a connection, that I thought I could actually feel it in my bones that he was dead." She gave a derisive snort. Then held her hand out for the cup of coffee that he offered. "It turns out that the only thing I was feeling was the weight of all the lies he'd told me. My entire life in the last year, has been one big lie." She met his eyes. "Starting with telling you that it would never work out between us."

He gave no verbal response, but the compassion that showed in his eyes, nearly brought her to her knees.

"I didn't mean it Harm. That one word has dictated a whole year of our lives, and I didn't even mean it. I lie in bed and keep thinking over and over that if I'd just not said it, that everything would be different. But it's not. I did say it. I did let Webb worm his way into my life. I was stupid and I opened myself up to be used and lied to, and left alone. Everything I thought was true, tried to convince myself was true, is gone. Every smile he gave me, every gift, every smooth word he said to sway me to his side. All of it is one big lie. And I feel like the biggest fool…"

"Mac…"

"I feel like the biggest fool, because I didn't even love him. No matter what I tried I…" Her voice trailed off on a sigh. "If he'd stayed; if he'd been everything I wanted him to be; if he'd never betrayed me; if he'd never left me, it still wouldn't have worked out. It still would have all been for nothing, and I still would have hurt you in the process."

The wave of relief that rippled through him was tempered by a surge of fierce protectiveness. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't the only fool. That he held his share of blame and regrets for the state of their lives in the last year as well, but he didn't. She'd come to him to get things off her chest, he wasn't going to lessen the gesture by making it about him.

He wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to climb inside her and take away every ounce of pain he found along the way, but he couldn't. She had to work this out. Going with instincts, he took her coffee and set it on the table, then wrapped his arms around her. She collapsed against him. Resting her forehead against his chest. His hands moved over her back, and he could feel the tremor of tension inside her. Despite her calm demeanor, she was on the edge of breaking. She'd told him she was angry; told him why she was angry. He'd expected that. Anger is the easiest of emotions to express, and the most convenient scapegoat when all the other thoughts and feelings are just too hard to delve into. He'd seen her angry before, but he'd never seen her so undone. Being angry with Webb alone wouldn't upend her life this way.

"There's more to this than just Webb isn't there."

He felt her nod against him.

"What is it Mac?"

He literally felt the struggle rise up from her core. She clung to him, fighting to contain it. Her breath hitched as something broke loose inside her, and he knew she'd lost the battle. She raised her head, and he barely had time to register her hands on the sides of his face, before her mouth slammed into his taking his breath. It only took a moment for his lips to go soft and pliant beneath hers. Letting her in. Letting her take him wherever she wanted to go. She kissed him frantically. Demanding, seizing, delving deeper. Her tongue slipped past his lips and took total possession. Her fingers dug into his arms as she tried to press him closer to her. He complied, taking her by the hips and pulling her against him. Her touch became desperate. Trembling, she fisted her hands into the front of his shirt, intent on ripping it asunder. A split second before she did just that, a crash of thunder sounded outside the window, followed by a streak of lightning across the sky. She froze mid-motion. He felt the change in her, and opened his eyes, just in time to see the fog clearing in hers. Her lips parted slightly. Her chest rose and fell as she panted. Slowly she released his shirt, leaving a fist sized bundle of wrinkles below the collar. He searched her face, and found nothing but utter shock. Taking one unsteady step back, she struggled to find her voice.

"I…I'm sorry," she said, her breath still unsteady.

"Mac, you have nothing to be…"

"Yes I do. That was selfish, I never should have…"

"Stop it! I wasn't exactly pushing you away. I was there too."

She looked away. Her voice began to quaver. "I shouldn't have come here."

"Yes you should have. I asked you to, remember?"

"And why? Why did you ask me to, so you could fix me again?"

His eyes widened, even as he recognized the tactical move. "So I could help you."

"You may be a magician in the court room, but not with me. You can't just say the magic words and everything will be all better. Besides, I can deal with this on my own."

He turned and caught her by the arm. "No you can't, or you'd be able to sleep at night. You're pushing me away again Mac, and there's no reason for it. You told me there's more to this than just Webb, so what is it? Why did you really come to me tonight?"

"I…I don't know. I should go." She replied, her voice still unsteady. She pulled her arm free and began to move around the coffee table.

"I love you Mac," he said in a strong and steady voice, halting her in mid-stride. "And I'm still going to love you if you walk out that door. But if you walk out, I can't take the pain away."

Her legs gave out and she dropped down onto the couch. Leaning forward she laced her hands through her hair, and stared into the polished wooden floor. "I don't know what to do," She said in a low whisper. "I just…part of me wants to fall into your arms and beg you to take my pain away, and part of me wants to run out of here as fast as I can and never look back."

She saw his knees appear between her feet, as he crouched down in front of her. His hands moved to her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Why Mac? Why run?"

A single tear spilled down her cheek. "Because I need you," she whispered. "I need you so badly, it terrifies me. I can't, I just can't… " The rawness in her voice made his throat go dry.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm afraid I'll lose it. You saw me, in that one moment of weakness, I threw myself at you. I want you so much," She said. Desire and love and pain swirled in her eyes. "But I'm afraid to touch you. Afraid to let you touch me. Because I know, when you do, the moment you do, I won't be able to hold back."

"Would that be so bad?"

She turned away, trembling.

"Mac, look at me."

"I can't. It's too much."

He reached out to lightly stroke her hair.

"Harm don't," she said, her voice strangled.

"I can take it Mac. Whatever you've got, I can take it."

"I know you can take it. But what if I can't? There's so much…too much to deal with. Too much that I won't be able to keep inside."

"Everything's been dropped on your shoulders all at once, and you're afraid to move for fear that you'll crumble under the weight of it." He moved in closer, and tipped her chin up with the pad of his finger. "You don't have to be afraid."

"Why not?" She whispered.

"Because I won't let you crumble."

"I'm afraid I already have," she said, swiping at the tears on her cheeks.

"Then let me pick up the pieces. You don't have to deal with this on your own." He reached down and took her hand. "Mac," he said, gently. "You don't have to be alone."

Her eyes locked with his, and the emotion housed within them took his breath away. "What is it? What's got you so spooked that you're in my arms one minute, and trying to leave me the next?"

"I didn't mean to be in your arms. I…I tried to hold back, but I couldn't." Her gaze dropped as color rose in her cheeks. "It scared me Harm, how quickly I could lose control with you."

"You can lose control with me any time you want."

"Harm…"

"I mean it Mac. I want you as you are."

He frowned when he saw that his words didn't quite have the effect that he'd hoped for.

"Even barren?" She asked, in tremulous whisper.

The light went on, even as his heart splintered into a thousand pieces. 'Ah, now we're getting to the crux of it.' "I told you Mac, there are other ways. I'm willing to try whatever it takes to make sure we can have a child."

"What if I'm not?"

His eyes widened. "What? I thought you wanted a baby."

"I do. In the worst way, but…I want to carry a child. It's not enough for me just to raise one. I went to see Harriet, you know. To see if she was really okay with leaving JAG. While I was there she showed me the ultrasound picture of the babies. One of them was positioned in such a way that it looked like it was praying. Harm, it took my breath away. It was a miracle. I want a miracle. To hold our child in my body, and feel it grow. What if that never happens?" She turned to him, looking him directly in the eye. "What if the ways we try don't work? I don't want to try time after time with no results. I can't go through that. What if there's just no way my body will carry a child? Then what? Will you still…"

"Want you?" He finished for her.

She nodded, and stared down at their hands clasped together.

He said her name softly, and waited for her to look at him. "I've loved you for eight and a half years. Nothing, but nothing is going to change that. I'll want you, no matter what happens. I don't want you just because you might be able to have my baby." He touched her cheek with the tip of his finger. "I mean it Mac."

Her jaw began to quiver, and a moment later she was in his arms, "Thank you."

"Thank you for not leaving," he answered. He pulled back just enough to skim his lips over hers. He didn't dare take it any deeper, not while there was more to be said. He caught a tear on the pad of his thumb and wiped it away. "So tell me why you can't sleep Mac."

She pursed her lips, contemplating a way to condense it all down to something that could be expressed in words. Finally she said, "Regrets."

"About what?"

She gave a tired sigh. "Everything. Things I said, things I did, things I didn't do."

Harm nodded. "I want you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"Forget the regrets."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. Webb is gone Mac. You said yourself that you didn't love him. He's not worth having regrets over. It's done. And if any of those regrets have to do with me, then consider this. I'm sitting right here with you, loving you more than I ever have before. Regrets don't serve any purpose anymore. I'm not about to let you go, but I will let go of my regrets about you, if you'll let go of yours about me."

Her eyes sparkled. "And then what?"

"We start again."

For the first time that night, she gave him a genuine smile. Her exhausted eyes glowed with love and gratitude, "I'd like that."

She let out a laugh that was half surprise, half amusement, when he suddenly picked her up, and placed her in his lap. Her laugh melted into a moan when cupped her face in his hands and softly, slowly, passionately kissed her. He felt the tension bleed from her body, and released her lips. Cradling her in his arms, he traced the outline of her face, then stroked his fingers through her hair in a gesture of comfort. She collapsed against him, as exhaustion took over. "You're so beautiful," He whispered, as he saw her eyelids fall.

She shifted, settling her face into the curve of his neck. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too Mac," he replied softly.

When he felt her drop into sleep, he slowly stood and carried her to his bed. Carefully he laid her on the covers, and then positioned himself next to her, and wrapped her in his arms. Instinctively she moved in close to him, and even though he knew she couldn't hear him, he whispered in her ear, a vow to hold her forever.

End of scene. Good? Bad? Cholera? Let me know.


End file.
